0926: When Pinktober Feels Heavier Than Anyone Realize

It starts before October even arrives.

You’re pushing your cart around the grocery store, trying to remember whether you need milk, when you turn the corner and there it is. A wall of pink.

Pink cereal boxes. Pink cleaning products. Pink ribbons printed on things you didn’t even know could be made “breast cancer aware.”

Everyone else keeps walking. But for a moment, you’re not standing in the grocery store anymore.

You’re back in an examination room. Waiting for a phone call. Staring at a scan report full of words you never wanted to understand.

All because you went shopping for milk.

Everyone else sees pink.
You may feel everything behind it.

I’ve had so many clients tell me they didn’t even realize how much those walls of pink were affecting them until we talked openly about medical trauma and the lingering effects it can have.

Suddenly, they had words for the shift they had noticed in themselves. The exhaustion that seemed to come from nowhere. The irritability. The trouble sleeping. The familiar ache that suddenly felt more frightening.

Or the urge to turn off the television, avoid the pink displays and disappear under the covers until November.

More than anything, they felt relieved to realize:

Oh...I’m not going nuts, and it's not just me!

Their bodies were responding to reminders of something frightening, uncertain and completely beyond their control.

The pink ribbon wasn’t simply a pink ribbon. It could bring back the phone call, the waiting, the appointments, the procedures, the people who showed up and the people who didn’t.

It could remind them of everything they had to survive. And are still experiencing the fallout from.

You can be grateful and still find October hard

Perhaps you’re grateful for the awareness and still want to turn off the television when another breast cancer story begins.

Perhaps you’re relieved to be here and still feel your stomach drop when you see a pink ribbon.

Perhaps you sign up for the fundraising walk, then find yourself sitting in the car beforehand, hands on the steering wheel, wondering why you suddenly feel like crying.

Or everyone gathers for a cheerful photo while you’re thinking about the woman you met during treatment who isn’t standing beside you.

Gratitude and grief can sit at the same table.

So can relief and fear.

So can strength and exhaustion.

You’re allowed to be thankful to be alive without being thankful breast cancer happened.

Your body may notice October before you do

Perhaps you’re more tired than usual. You find yourself checking your breast or chest in the shower.

You snap at your husband because he asked what you want for dinner, then feel awful because he only asked what you want for dinner.

You’re standing in the kitchen at 5:17pm, staring into the fridge, and suddenly everything feels like too much.

Then you wonder:

Where on earth did that come from?

Sometimes your body recognizes the season before your conscious mind connects the dots.

The weather changes. An anniversary approaches. Pink starts appearing everywhere. October can quietly reopen mental tabs you thought you had tucked away.

It doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It doesn’t mean you haven’t “dealt with it.”

Perhaps your body is simply carrying more this month than anyone else can see...but you can feel.

You don’t have to carry October the way everyone expects you to

You can join the walk, or stay home in your pajamas with a cup of tea. You can share your story, or keep it close.

You can attend the event and leave after twenty minutes because your body has had enough.

You can mute accounts, turn off the television and walk straight past the pink display without stopping to prove that you’re fine.

You can tell someone you love:

“October is a little heavier for me than it might look.”

And imagine if they didn’t try to cheer you up or remind you how lucky you are. Imagine if they simply said:

“I can understand that. What would feel supportive?”

Perhaps they make dinner without asking you to decide what everyone should eat.

Perhaps they sit beside you on the sofa, mugs in hand, and talk about something that has absolutely nothing to do with breast cancer.

Perhaps, for one evening, you’re not the survivor, the strong one or the person reassuring everyone else.

You’re simply you.

Maybe the first step is simply noticing

You don’t need to create the perfect Pinktober self-care plan. Good grief, that could become another full-time job.

Perhaps you begin by getting curious.

What feels heavier right now?
What is taking more energy than usual?
What might feel genuinely supportive, not impressive, productive or inspiring...just supportive?

Maybe it’s declining an invitation without writing a five-paragraph explanation.

Maybe it’s texting the friend who understands why a pink cereal box made you cry.

Or perhaps it’s sitting at the kitchen table, wrapping both hands around your mug and realizing:

Oh...no wonder I’m feeling this way.

You’re not going nuts. You’re not failing at recovery.

You may simply be carrying more than anyone can see.

And sometimes, that realization is the first brick you get to put down.

You don’t have to carry it alone

This is one of the reasons I chose October for the next live round of Lighten the LOAD™ After Breast Cancer.

Not because you need another program or list of things to do. But because October can add even more to a backpack that may already feel far too heavy.

Together, we’ll gently see what you’ve been carrying, sort through what is actually yours, and begin putting something down without guilt.

We begin October 5.

Come exactly as you are. 

➡️ Explore Lighten the LOAD™ HERE